- I could have sworn I would be able to fill this week’s column with the all kinds of humorous
run ins and anecdotes from this thing that I had to go to this weekend called Engaged
Encounter. I am not Catholic and I foresaw this being just another in a panoply of hopes I
was jumping through to provide my fiancé, and her mother, with marital bliss. However,
when this intensive weekend came to a close I didn't want to write anything ever again.
There was a lot of good to be had in this kind of thing, but there was also a lot of boring.
What I came away from the whole thing with was an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy.
Because I am not Catholic god sees our wedding as pretty cool, but he isn't super stoked.
One good thing about the weekend was the fact that I got a little time to myself, truly. The
Baroness and I were not allowed to stay in the same room obviously. Knowing that I would
not do well with out the appropriate amount of distractions I had to bring a utility bag. Since I
was only going to be gone two nights I decided to pack light: laptop, IK World Books 1&2,
Liber Mechanika, Character Sheets x10, and Neil Gaiman’s Smoke and Mirrors. I was a
little annoyed to discover that they really intended for me to focus on the Baroness’s and my
relationship. Leaving me little time for the minimal amount of dork stuff I had packed with
me. The schedule had you going from like 7:30 AM to 10:00 PM so basically 10:00 PM - 1:00
AM was mine.
When I was reading Smoke and Mirrors I came a cross a story about a man who couldn't
pass up a bargain that wanted the girl he was with killed. During the course of the meeting
he discovers that there is a whole sale rate for killing and at one point he has to come up
with a list of ten people he wants killed. This got me thinking. I am a pretty feisty chap. I
should have no problems devising a list of ten people I want killed. I set out to do the same
list for fun. Sadly, after like thirty minutes of trying, there was not actually one person that I
wanted killed. It just turns out that all the perfect bastards that I am aware of are already
dead.
Not to be thwarted my lack of desire for death and carnage I decided to expand my list a
little. It is common sense that since I do not often deal in the real world, there wouldn't be
ten real world people that I would want killed. The fantasy list of people that I would want
killed, however, was both fun and easy. The order occurs as they were thought up, so no
one is really more in need of dying then the other. Here is my list for your scrutiny/enjoyment:
1. Drizzt - He is the personification of all things wrong with attempted Byronic heroes. He is
fuggin Ned Flanders with scimitars, yet people continue to think that he and his stupid race
are cool. This is not to take away from R.A. Salvatore; I think he is a cool writer.
2. Gimli - This isn’t real people mind you, so I don’t think Myrvn’s brother should die. The
character Gimli and all Gnome rogues that I have ever encountered in WOW need to die.
Regardless of what you think, little and annoying is not cool.
3. Jon Snow - I love Jon Snow, but he inevitably will thwart the plot of one of the many people
jockeying for the throne. I just think that there can be no other result but Jon Snow dying, and
hopefully Jamie getting the throne.
4. The Emperor - Whatever, most powerful psyker eating whatever. Keel over and let’s start
the revolution. I hate that he just gets to hang on.
5. Zi Yi Zhang’s character in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon - nuff said.
6. Yuffie - Fuck cute ninja girl. She was god damn annoying. I understand that she looks
pretty bad ass in Advent Children though.
7. Griffith - God damn it, just thinking of him inspires the rage.
8. GolgFAG - I don’t want to talk about it. It was traumatic. He hurt me that day, deeper then I
have ever been hurt before.
9. Janefinn - If you know, you know.
10. Salty Dick - While I have never met salty dick he makes me seethe with jealous rage.
Salty Dick is the best pirate name ever, and I did not think of it.
Well boyos, there we go. Feel free to post your list of 10, or even five, or maybe just your
number one.
Lastly Kingdom Hearts 2 will be released on my birthday. That is fitting. Pre-order it now,
you won’t be disappointed. Your maybe you will, how the fuck should I know?
