This weekend was a little traumatic.  Katrina had gone off to the beach in Delaware with some girl friends from work. I can only assume that they spent the majority of their time having tickle fights in their underwear.  Thus I decided, in effort to finally get some role- playing done, to ask a few people I had met over for a game.  Even better, I would not have to run it, as I found some one willing to DM the Witchfire Trilogy.  I was a little skeptical, not having had adequate time to feel the guys I had met out, but really, I am an addict, and I had a jones. I went through the steps for preparing my apartment for an RPG session.  The fridge was stocked with soda and beer, the table cleared, and seating optimized.  The two guys that I had met even showed up on time, and I value punctuality above a great many things when it is time to toss the dice.  One of the guys, whose name was Jim, was the DM so Hans (short for Hansel, the poor bastard) and myself were discussing our characters while we waited for our third and fourth.  The parts of the aforementioned were to played by a guy I had not met yet and his girl friend.  When I asked the guys what kind of players they were I was told, “Darrin is awesome, and Evelyn, well Evelyn is just a chic gamer.” This answer confused me, as I have had only two experiences with girls in my RPG groups, and both were bad.  However I had been told by many others that having a girl in the group was awesome.  The stereotypes that I had been informed of were conflicting, and I didn't know what to think.  Instead of asking for elaboration I decided to let it slide, and see for myself.  Wow, was I in for something. Evelyn and Darrin arrived about half hour late.  Evelyn herself didn't really look as if she surmised the olde thyme beauty and class that her name would normally inspire.  Her stick- like frame denied her some of what have traditionally been called “womanly virtues” (a.k.a. no rack and back. If you want to be crass about it, and I do).  Her brown hair boasted the latest in “alternative yet professional chic”. In actuality her hair looked like a messy wig framing a face descended from a long line of harpies, both bird like and ferocious.  The most distinct feature however, was the slightly oversized tee-shirt that read, “Think of something else to call me.  Bitch is a compliment.”  As for Darrin, well he just looked like your run of the mill working dork.  This duo cut an interesting pair.  And why the X factor Evelyn had been at first glance off putting, I was willing to look deeper.  Being a Baron after all, and having extensive experience with court ladies and whores alike, as well as considering myself something of a connoisseur, I knew that there was always a diamond deep down in the rough. Sadly as the night played out I would have all my previous disappointments with girl gamers renewed, and then surpassed, by this fucking cunt.   As a DM there are a few things that will kill your game dynamic and piss your players off without question.  They are greed, lack of party, and degradation.  As it turns out Evelyn would embody all three. I have forever been enamored of the Gun Mage, which is what I played.  Playing it strictly by the book, the Gun Mage cannot actually afford a gun upon creation, making them start out as kinda ghetto sorcerers.  I wasn't too worried though, having run Witchfire a few times, I knew that peery enough PC’s could find a gat early on.  I wasn't going to meta-game it or anything, but we had a rogue so I figured that we would scare it up.  Sure enough we did.  It was found by Darrin’s character, and I suggested that we return the gun to the Gertin's family and with my share of the reward I would be able to get a gun and not be so worthless.  Sadly Evelyn’s Nyss Sorcerer (WTF is it about chics and Nyss elves?  It is as if PP suddenly invented a character to give license to being a bitchy goth girl.) decided she needed it more.  I protested “out of game” that we should return it because the reward money is worth more then the freakin' gun.  It was at this time that Evelyn looked at me as if I were a child and uttered the following words in a voice I am sure she thought was cute, “Darrin knows better then to not give the pwetty elf lady the gun.  Because, if the pwetty elf lady doesn't get the gun then Darrin doesn't get laid tonight.”  I was equal parts irritated and grossed out.  The notion of her body, all pale, sweaty, and rail thin, being pleasured by Darrin was enough to induce vomiting. It pretty much got worse from there.  At some point she wandered off with Darrin’s character to fuck in game.  When ever anyone else suggested something that she disagreed with she tried to make them feel stupid about it, even though she was wrong most of the time.  At her best, she was self righteous in her dealings with other players and NPC's, and in the end it was probably a good thing I wasn't given the Gerten's gun cause I would have point blanked the bitch’s character in the fucking face. Obviously Evelyn was the worse, however, she was only a touch more extreme then the last two girls I have gamed with.  I am not going to say that all girl gamers suck, as three is hardly an adequate cross section of an entire population.  What I will say is that it is frightening the similarities that have existed in their personalities.  I have begun to wonder why these stereotypes exist.  For instance, the uncompromising bitchiness and need to make people who disagree with them feel stupid.  Why?  Everyone knows that people on the defensive are far less eager to compromise.  Is it some empowerment thing?  Like maybe girl power dictates that radical feminism must be brought to the gaming table to promote the struggle for suffrage?  Well here, let me tip you off to something chicas.  Being uncompromising to get your way isn't necessary.  You have boobs, more over, you have boobs in a room full of guys who probably couldn't score in a morgue.  Whether or not you promote or oppose using sexuality to get your way, you are, simply by being there.  I have watched a group of gamers put on their best behavior and ravenously “eye fuck” whatever girl is asking about the possibility of joining in a game.  It is just the way it is.  The sky is blue, water is wet, and boys like boobies. What I can’t seem to grasp is a why any clarification of sex is necessary within a RPG group dynamic.  I have always found gamers to be fairly equal opportunist.  They kinda have to be, since we are all, to some extent, outcasts.  I am not sure why the need for empowerment has run so strongly in the girls I have played with.  I can get playing a character strongly.  I mean seriously, ask anyone who is married or has dated for a long time, and it is totally believable that the female leads the party.  Sephrenia, Moiraine, Lady Stark, and Polgara are all great examples of this.  I can talk big shit all day but the Baroness certainly decides my fate most of the time.  I have not met many men, and thank god, who believe otherwise.   However, the Baroness (or soon to be) did not become this way by being a domineering cunt.  She got that way because she proved that she would/could take care of me, that she had my best interests in mind, and that there were reasons for her ire.  Basically she didn't need words because she was supported by action.  Well that, and she is smarter then I am, a lot smarter.  Either way I see RPG’s as a perfect venue for being able to accomplish something similar.  Instead of demanding a course of action, why not suggest it?  And if you are overturned, fine.  If you were wrong then the party can still benefit. If you were right then you get to exercise the extensive and vast amount of different ways the female posses to say, “I told you so.” Admittedly, my advice stands for both sexes.  But if you are the type of girl gamer mentioned above, you know it, and you need to stop it right fucking now.  Perhaps because I am more accustomed to boys, I am more tolerant with them.  I need to play with a girl that doesn't suck, as my RPG tendencies are quickly tending towards a G.R.O.S.S. (Get Rid Of Slimy girlS for those who not Calvin & Hobbes savvy) meeting. Lastly, it has come to my attention that the validity of my title has been put to the question by the loutish Dayraven.  For the sake of formality I will be sending a second with the appropriate challenge, however for now let it be known that the gauntlet has been thrown.  I will not duel with pistols because I find guns barbaric.  As far as a battle of wits is concerned, I will admittedly declare myself out classed, as I have found the scholarly man to be well spoken and the elderly man to be wily, you sir are both.  Therefore our weapons shall be beer and chicken wings.  When next I am around, we shall let combat and the eyes of god decide who is noble and who is bereft of civility. BACK