- Initially this week’s installment would begin with a scathing and all together soul crushing
litany pertaining to the asinine comments of childofkorn1283. However, upon discovery of
the fact that childofkorn1286589659862668953 is actually Jason Messer, I realized there is
little I could say that would be as hurtful, and poignant, as the realization that Messer must
face every morning when he looks in the mirror and sees that he must live another day as
himself. Being robbed of flame content however, this week’s column will be pretty short.
I will defend Kingdom Hearts and the forth coming Kingdoms Hearts 2 . First off, if the size
of the feet of the characters is your beef, STFU and take a look at Cloud’s feet in FF7. And as
far as the key blade not seeming dangerous, it is a jagged piece of metal the size of a
greatsword ffs.
The cool thing about the Kingdom Hearts games is the fact that it is like a greatest hits reel
for both FF games and Disney movies. It is a nostalgic rush as you see characters from
your childhood of cartoons and video games interacting. Really so many of us just jones
one more chance to see Cloud with his main squeeze together, even if she was killed by the
three day old fuck stain Sephiroth. And by the way, you Bubba Fett loving ijits, the only
reason Sephiroth is so cool is because he posed a more then adequate challenge to
Cloud. Well that and his hair and big sword. What makes a villain great is the cathartic
release you feel when your hero finally pummels the fuck out of them for all the emotional
turmoil they have put you through. Disney and Square is a winning combo baby, that is all
there is to it. If you have any doubt whatsoever about the effectiveness of this ultra powerful
amalgamate being pulled off, just remember that it is Squaresoft we're talking about. The
company that found a way to make dorks not only watch, but actively engaged in chick-
flickesque love stories. And Disney games have been cool in the past. Remember
Ducktales for the NES? That game was the shit! Admittedly, I too doubted at first, how could
you, Goofy, beat ass? But all you nay sayers play the first one once, give it a good try, and
you will see the light. Except you childofkorn1283. Don’t even bother. You won’t get it, you
never will.
Speaking of not getting it. Someone explain to me how this nonsensical rambling bullshit
elicits two pages of response while this has had 20 views and no suggestions (mine will be
forthcoming Bubs). Actually don’t explain it. Odds are I won’t give a fuck in like 10 mins.
Dorks prioritize! First we help each other, and then we jack off in text. Fibonacci you wasted
your high man. Next time you feel compelled to type while altered go to My Space and tell
anorexics no guy would dream of dating them till they get down to 83 pounds. That’s what I
do. That’s what Jesus would do.
Well back to work, where every day I test if not being part of the solution really is being part of
the problem.
The Baron’s Glossary:
Ffs: For fuck’s sake.
Flame: Ridiculing or making fun of someone on the internet or public message boards.
STFU: Shut the fuck up.
