- I came to the startling realization this weekend that dorks have no idea what is cool. This
doesn't reference the “uncoolness” of actual dorks as seen by the rest of society. Instead it
is a gross misconception of what is actually dork cool. This realization came about after
watching Underworld: Evolution. This isn’t about a movie review, so I will just say that this
movie was fucking awesome and leave it at that. My disappointment, and subsequently my
realization, came from the fact that werewolves were kinda underrepresented in this movie.
The werewolves were just kinda there, and vampire pets, and really unimportant. I can
assume that since this is a sequel, test marketing was done to see what people wanted to
see more of. Now don’t get me wrong, I want to see more Kate Beckinsale, but I have a
sneaking suspicion that what a majority of people wanted to see vampires. I reviewed my
countless conversations with my fellow dorks about vampires, a platform that I have been in
direct opposition of for sometime, and have determined that, similar to the elf/dwarf rift, there
is a vampire/werewolf rift. And it would seem that the gay team is winning.
Admittedly I seek to classify dorks into categories, and sub categories. This taxonomical
pension could stem from the fact that I want to one day part-own/operate a game store and I
want to know my clientele. Or, it could just be that I am a judging bastard who pigeon holes
you into a category that his limited intellect can comprehend therefore robbing you of the
individual and beautiful “you” that you think you are. I suspect that a high powered
amalgamate of both is closer to the truth. Either way, I have difficulty believing that people
could like vampires more then werewolves. After a stream of cursing I decided to think this
through, and then grossly misconceive speculations as to why it could be, and then I got
drunk because thinking like a vampire loving faggot made me feel like there was sand
behind my eyes.
I suppose I can see the allure of the way vampires are often portrayed appealing to some
dorks. Vampires always run in these elitist cliques where every one is too cool to actually
care what is going on beyond their next pleasure. It sounds a lot like your game group
right? Only there isn't hot as balls girls in corsets letting you bite them. Well guess what?
Girls that hang with vampires in movies don’t actually like them. The girls that actually like
vampires can be categorized at the polar opposites of thin as a rail, or fat as fuck, but don’t
worry, either will take great delight in wearing a corset for you. Everyone says they knew a
hot Goth chic, good one ya, but for everyone you know there are 20 ugly ones, and that ain't a
ratio I am into.
So if not the girls, then what? I suppose that some dorks, who are socially lacking, could be
compelled by the vampires ability to compel people to obey them. The vampire, after all,
epitomizes Byronic lust, flashing their eyes and suddenly having people retrieve valuable
data or make honeys drop their panties. Again give it a little thought here. There is only one
pale greasy haired guy who is an arch fucking bush master. The rest of the pale greasy
haired guys get girls attention in that way that the girl is fairly certain you are a sex offender,
and a restraining order will be forthcoming.
Maybe it is the clothes? All these dorks would love to have the powers of a vampire so they
could wear all that leather and brocade without fear of having their asses beat like the
Nancys they appear to be. If this is the case, I mean if you really like the way vampires dress
I can only say, “Really? Vampire clothes are cool to you? Really?”
The merits of the werewolf are too numerous to be listed here. Basically you can swap
“Chuck Norris” for “werewolf” here and it works. However in a final attempt to sway people to
the werewolf cause I have listed a few people below who have confided in my that they are
pro-werewolf. Hopefully you will all see that the cool kids are doing it and get hip to the new
jive.
Ben Roethlisberger clearly is pro-werewolf. With the beard and blunt features, as well as
being tough as nails, he has beaten the odds to make his team the AFC champs. When I
asked him about if a vampire could quarterback a team to the super bowl he replied, “Fuck
no! They can’t even be in the sunlight, how they gonna play football. Oh ya, and vampires
hum too.” As a side note Jake Plummer may, in fact, be a werewolf. Although they lost, he
harnessed the feral power of his beard and hair to break approximately one million Steeler’s
tackles on Sunday.
Mila Jovavich is totally pro-werewolf. She told me, “After kicking zombie ass all day I need a
hairy man come home too. Vampires are for douche bags.” There is hope for you dreams
yet Myrvn.
Lastly, Jesus said, “I died for everyone’s sins except vampires. Cause vampires are teh
suck.”
Here is to hoping that the dorks have come to realize what the good shit is. Maybe
Underworld 3 will be all werewolves all the time. Till then I will just have to watch that hybrid
guy tear the top of werewolves head’s off at the jaw. In parting I will say this for vampires,
their L.A.R.P.ers are only slightly less lame then werewolves. But then again that doesn't
really count cause being the least lame L.A.R.P.er is like being a gold medalist at the
Special Olympics, great that you won, but you are still retarded.
Baron’s Glossary:
Faggot: See gay.
Gay: See also faggot, homo, fag. These terms in no way are meant as offensive to
homosexuals. They are meant as offensive to you because you think I am using them to
offend homosexuals.
